The Two Me's in my mind

But there's just so much to do all the time :(

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 21:00:00 CDT

So many of you got so much out of yesterday's blog where I felt annoyed/angry frustrated with my kids and investigated further, that I thought this next one might be helpful too. Again it comes from my personal experience of frustration this evening, getting overwhelmed by all the housework I need to do, combined with the non-housework related work I need to do and my ultimate desire to just sit down and do something for me.

My husband is working away at the moment and I am it, so after 4 months of this, it's taking it's toll, so I have plenty of opportunity to practice what I preach, that's for sure.

I actually found this one quite tough to get to the core belief, but I finally got there and I think many of you will relate to it well, especially you achievers.

Here's another rendition of how the conversation went in my mind (and I am writing it as I'm thinking it). Remember, the whinger me is in italics and the wiser me (the coach) is in bold.

I'm back again and I'm annoyed again.

Why?

There's always so much to do all the time. Look at this place. It's feral. There's shit everywhere. It's disgusting. There's shoes and food. The dishes are massive. I'm tired. I've had enough of doing everything in this house. I just want to sit down but I can't. There's still so much to do. I shouldn't even be writing this blog. I should be sending photos to the inlaws like I promised them two weeks ago and Steve (hubby) has been onto me. I've just had enough. Why do I have to do everything. No one cares about what I want. No one cares that I might need to sit down and relax, nooooo. I have to be responsible for doing everything. It never ends......

Are you finished?

No, I could go on like this forever!!

Is it helping?

What do you mean? Helping what?

Is it helping you to get everything done?

No.

So why are you doing it?

Doing what exactly?

Rolling around in what's not happening?

Because I just wish that I didn't have to do it?

But reality is that you do. So What is it about all of your list that you don't like?

There' just so much on it. I can't do it all and my wants seem to go by the wayside.

Really?

Yes.

Hmm, I beg to differ.

What do you mean?

Well, time is not about time, it's about priorities. You are making everything else a priority.

But if I don't do it, it never gets done.

So?

So we live like pigs and it just piles up all the time.

Doesn't the housework just come back?

Yes all the time.

So if you constantly keep making the housework as a priority instead of yourself, and the housework just keeps coming back, you never make yourself a priority do you?

Well, no I guess not. Okay so I have to include myself in as priority too.

Yes, you do. So there's one aspect solved. But I want to go back to the frustration you started with though. How helpful was it to keep going on and on in your mind about how bad things were? How was it making you feel?

More and more frustrated. There came a point where I started to getting quite emotional and I could feel it in my chest, my breathing was getting shallower and heavier?

Do you think that was because you had lots of work to do?

Yes.

Really? So if it was the list of work you had to do causing these feelings, wouldn't that mean that everyone with a long list of things to do would feel exactly as you do? Is that accurate?

I know, I know. It's my thinking that causes me to feel this way.

That's right, so what were you thinking?

I shouldn't have to do all this. Why am I the only one doing it? I don't want to do it? Why can't the kids respect theirs/my stuff and keep things tidy?

Remember all stress is a conflict between belief and reality. Is your thinking in alignment with reality?

No, I guess not. The reality is that the jobs are there to do and I, being the mum and the sole house runner at the moment, have to tend to these jobs. The reality is that the kids are still learning respect for things and it is predictable that they will not make it a priority to clean up their things and respect them. This is something they are learning.

And what does that mean about you and your life?

Okay, here we go again - an interruption to my life?

Is it though?

No, there is no interruptions to MY LIFE. There's just experiences that come and go - highs and lows, wanted and unwanted, enjoyable and unenjoyable etc etc. I'm just doing what I need to do as a mum to look after my family and my home.

While that is a good upgrade, it's just not enough to change things for you is it? Tell my, why is it always your priority to choose housework over spending some time for yourself? What's that about?

No, you're right. It isn't enough. Hmm, that's a tough one. Because I want the house to be neat and tidy. Because it piles up and I would have to do it anyway. Because I want to get it out of the way so I can have me time. Geez this is a vicious cycle isn't it...because it keeps coming back, so I never actually get to that elusive goal of finishing it. Of course, sometimes I do, but I just turn around and it's all back again tomorrow.

So what do you think it means about you to have the house a little messy?

I don't know. I just need to keep the house hygenic at least. If there's crap all over the floor and dishes to be done, I can't just leave it.

Why not?

Because that would be disgusting and irresponsible. I cannot live this way.

{at this point, I've literally got back up and continued cleaning up the kitchen which I had stopped doing to write this blog, because I just couldn't handle leaving it the way it is. Only when the kitchen was done could I allow myself to continue this blog. The reason will become obvious as you continue.}

Then that is the priority. Why? What do you get from it when it's done?

Satisfaction that it's done. I feel organised. I feel better. I feel like I now I deserve to sit down.

So before you didn't deserve that?

I guess so. Hmm, okay, it's coming to me now. I think it's all about finishing things. I need to achieve it, finish it in order to feel good about myself and be rewarded for achieving it (like allowing myself to sit down and do me things, only I don't feel like other areas of my life are finished either and feel like I have to tend to that too, so the frustration continues). That actually makes a lot of sense.

I am the achiever and I have attached my self-worth to finishing the job, getting it done and feeling the satisfaction of a completed job. Only nothing ever feels finished because the list keeps getting longer. Housework just keeps coming back, so I get frustrated that I never complete it and hence never feel that self-satisfaction that I have obviously attached to achieving.

That's also why I make imy 'list' a priority all the time over my time out. I have held the belief that I need to finish what I've started (ie the housework) before I deserve to finish it

And is that reality?

No, not at all. The reality is that the housework will continue. The dishes will get used again and need washing up. The washing will pile up, need to be folded/ironed/put away and then it will come back again. The floors will get washed, dirtied and washed again and as per usual, EVERYTHING will rise and pass away.

I am reaching for an impossible goal and have incorrectly attached my self-worth to it.

But in reality there is nothing I need to do or achieve to increase my deservability. It's okay to take some time out for me without feeling guilty. It all comes down to my priorities. Maybe setting smaller goals for myself and looking at what I want my priorities to be instead of what I feel I need them to be in order for me to feel validated.

Like for example, sure, do the dishes and sweep the floors, but I don't have to have the entire house tidy, fold all the washing, do my Self Help for Mums stuff, send photos, have me time and vaccum the floors all in one night. It's okay to spread it out, and as it is, the weekend is coming up and I'll have plenty of time to do it then AND have some time out too. So what's the point of stressing?

That's right. All this rolling around in your story about how wrong it is, how it should be different, what you're missing out on etc. is only going to cause you to feel badly, but this feeling is an indicator of what you are really thinking and underneath those feelings was you believing that you need to always have the house clean in order and finish your list to be valuable, but that in itself is in conflict with reality because your list is never really finished, because housework alone is never finished. It will always just keep coming back.

So take some time to relax. Life is okay with a bit of mess. You just need to pull back, set smaller goals, be realistic about your expectations, but above all, keep mindful about why you are making what you are a priority and keep checking whether this priority has that underlying thread of needing to finish and achieve again in order to prove your worth (or deservability of fun times).

The reality is that life is a journey that we are here to experience everything, not just achieve our goals. Goals set life in motion, they don't define us as good or bad, valuable or not. They help us to do life, to learn and grow and continue on to have other experiences. Goals are really not about the actual end achievement at all.

Furthermore, throughout your journey, whether you get the goal, don't get the goal or anywhere in between that you are always valuable and so is you life. There is no destination that you need to get to in order to prove your worth. Just by being alive, you are worthy because you contribute to the world around you and help others to experience and learn.

Human value doesn't lie in whether your house is clean or not or whether you have nothing on your 'to do' list.

Why are my kids giving me the heebie jeebies (to put it nicely)

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 06:30:00 CDT

Why are my kids giving me the heeby jeebies (to put it nicely)?

What you will find with my programs and my book, The Happy Mum Handbook are the tools to begin understanding your emotions and why you feel the way you feel in the context of motherhood. Furthermore, what you can do with this understanding so that you can change your emotions.

This is something, I make VERY clear that I do in my everyday life. I am no perfect mummy that’s for sure and life’s not even about that. It’s about experiencing life and learning from ALL our experience. There is no right and wrong way to DO motherhood and we are ALL learning from our experience of motherhood and everything else in life.

So, with that said, I have found myself of late to be getting more and more frustrated and p**sed off with my kids for seemingly minor and understandably (due to their age) childish things and although I could logically ‘upgrade’ from the information I teach mums, this seemed to be providing me little relief from my emotions, so I needed to really investigate what was happening for me.

I decided to treat myself as I would a client who I was coaching and split my attention into the me that was feeling the frustration and anger, and the ‘wiser’ me who was objectively looking at the situation.

Here is the outcome of this exercise – one I hope that you also benefit from and can see the importance of challenging your beliefs and thoughts about what happens in motherhood, so here goes. FYI – The WISE ME’s comments are in purple so you can differentiate between the stressed me and the wiser me:

I mean really, what is it that is so annoying to you? Why is it that every time they do something that isn’t expected or isn’t the way you like it, do you react or feel (because you don’t always vent it) annoyed, frustrated or have those feelings balloon into anger?

Tell me your story?

Because they’re all over me. They interrupt me all the time. They’re loud. I’m tired. I want it quiet. I want to be able to just do what I want to do without that interruption. I want to be left alone to do what I need to do.

Okay, so tell me, is this realistic to want these things when you are a mother?

No, I know that. I know they’re just being kids and that they’re going to be noisy, they’re going to drop things, make a mess, have different priorities that cause them to make decisions that I don’t like.

So what’s the problem?

Because I don’t like it.

No one said you have to like it. All stress is a conflict between belief and reality, so to release yourself from stress, you need to align yourself with reality. You don’t have to like reality, but you do need to accept it if you want to feel peaceful.

But I can’t.

Then you can’t feel better then.

But I want to.

Then you have to change your thinking.

Yeah, but how?

Well, what is it that you really don’t like about what they’re doing?

Hmmm, Well it usually happens when I’m in the middle of something. I’m either deep in thought or I’m trying to get something done by a certain amount of time. Then they interrupt me.

So, what do you perceive that means when they interrupt you?

Well, That they’ve interrupted me.

So your children are an interruption to your life?

OMG, I think I actually believe that. What sort of mother am I?

Okay, don’t go bashing yourself now. You’ve identified the belief. You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge, so now that you’ve acknowledged you hold that belief, it’s time to change it so you can view the situation differently. It doesn’t make you a bad mother to believe it, it just makes you human with an incorrect belief that you’ve adopted somewhere along the line through your beliefs. Now you need to change it.

But how do I do that?

Well, I think we need more information. What is it that you feel like they’re interrupting specifically?

What I’m doing?

And why is what you’re doing so important?

I don’t know, because I want it done at that time, I guess, or I want it to be my way?

Is that realistic? Does life always go the way we want it to go?

No.

So does that mean only when life goes your way it can be valuable?

No.

So why do you rate your child interrupting you as making your life less valuable?

Well, it’s not that I say that specifically....

But that’s what you ARE saying. You are saying that your children interrupt your life.

That sounds so harsh, coz I don’t actually feel that way all the time. I don’t want to be that kind of mother.

You are not ‘that kind of mother’, but you are a mother who is thinking that way in these moments, so you need to change your perception of the situation. Are they actually interrupting your life?

No, they’re just interrupting that moment.

And is that moment really important in the grand scheme of things?

No. It’s just a moment in time.

Good, now we’re getting somewhere.

Okay, OMG here they come. I can hear them. I can feel the tension welling up in my body. I’m expecting them to interrupt me from this.

And would this be detrimental to your life? Is what you’re doing right now really that important?

No, but I want to say, but yes because I really want to get this blog out for people to learn from?

So you’re saying that other people’s learning is more important (a priority) then what you’re kids need to say.

Oh my, I’m starting to feel a little emotional, because I think you’re onto something. I think I’ve been putting my career before my job as a mum.

But why is what I want to know?

Because I feel good when I’m teaching people self-help?

So do you not feel good about teaching your kids and influencing your life? Aren’t they learning from you too?

Yeah, I guess. But I suppose that I don’t get the feedback I do from them?

So you need validation of your goodness to feel good about yourself do you?

Well I didn’t think so, but obviously I must feel that way. I thought I’d dealt with all that.

We all incorrectly attach our self-worth to various things. Don’t feel bad. The important thing is to identify it and change your perception, as I keep saying.

So, okay, I know that true self-worth is always 100% (taught in The Happy Mum Handbook) and that I don’t need to attach my self-worth to anything. So in any given situation my life is valuable as it is.

That’s right. Can anything really ‘interrupt’ your life?

No, just because what I’m DOING is interrupted, or what I’m THINKING is interrupted, it doesn’t mean my life is. All of the experiences on my journey are valuable and beneficial to my growth. This example perfectly illustrates this. My annoyance/anger/ frustration with the kids has taught me to look at what was really going on. My emotions are indicators of what I belief and can serve as alarm bells to incorrect thinking.

My life is never ‘interrupted’. It just is. I won’t always get what I want. The kids will sometimes get loud, fight, argue, disobey, make a mess and sometimes they will happily play, just like they have been while I’ve written this.

If they come and interrupt me, it’s just another experience I’m having, not right or wrong. Just is. There is no place my life needs to be to make it more worthy than where it already is. My life is 100% valuable right now and in every moment.

When I really look at the situation, I want it to be my priority to help my kids with their life. That’s why I signed up for motherhood in the first place, so I could have kids a part of my life.

I can’t believe I was actually thinking that they were interrupting my life. I guess I’ve just been so focussed on my career and incorrectly getting validation for what I do, but that’s not where I want the important moments to be in my life.

Geez with this realisation, I can really see how different this will make to how I approach these situation. I know I won’t be perfectly serene every time they fight or yell, or get the house messy, but I know what’s going on now when I do get annoyed, so I just need to become aware of this habit of thinking again and remind myself of how important my kids are to me and my life and how my self-worth is not hinged on ANY activity or experience I have and that what they are doing just forms another experience in my life.

Finally, I need to remind myself that life is valuable just as it is, not when I get this ‘thing’ finished in my life.

Wow, what a completely different perspective.