If your life is in chaos at the moment, there is a very good reason why this is so. Before now there has been lots of little events that have occurred that have all unravelled into this current moment.
Perhaps there’s too much fighting in your house. Perhaps the kids are always crying, or acting out for some reason. Perhaps there is stuff all over the house and nothing is in order. Regardless of what is going on, this chaos is starting to overwhelm you and you have no idea what to do about it.
Well, I’m about to give you a good place to start:
Rather than feel consumed and defeated by these moment, put yourself in observation mode. By observation mode I mean to start really looking at what is going on with the intention of finding the agendas/priorities behind the behaviours of the people involved (including yourself).
Behind every behaviour there is a reason. This reason is about that person’s mindset. What is going on for that person that is causing them to behave that way? How is this behaviour benefiting that person? How is this person interpreting their life in order to behave this way?
Try to step out of your shoes and really think about how this person is experiencing their life and what agenda they may have for behaving this way. Furthermore, contemplate how this mindset has been set up. Both of these things are the reality of why you are currently seeing this kind of behaviour.
If it is you that is behaving in a way that you wish you weren’t, contemplate what your agenda is for behaving this way. If you are getting angry a lot, then think about what is really going on? What is causing you to feel so impatient? Is it because you are not happy in other areas of your life and you need to put your attention on yourself more? Is it because you feel like nobody respects you and you feel taken advantage of?
Whatever the ‘reason’ for this behaviour, once you arm yourself with objective information about why it is happening and how this current moment has been set up by your past, you have now aligned yourself with the reality of why you are experiencing what you currently are.
By going into observation mode first you arm yourself with an understanding of the stiuation. You can see that other person’s behaviours is not about you and all about them and how they are interpreting the situation. This understanding, leads you to an acceptance of the situation.
If someone’s behaviour is negative it is because at some level they are hurting. They have interpreted the situation to mean something negative about them or their life and this behaviour is a result of them trying to better the situation.
However just because you accept the situation, it doesn’t mean that you just have to put up with it and do nothing. Now that you have become aware of the reasons behind this behaviour, you can now set about trying to help that person to get what they want while you are also getting what you need. This is the art of negotiation.
From this perspective you have now lost the ‘you will listen to me’/ ‘I’m right and you’re wrong’ identity and you have now become more compassionate and understanding towards that person. You can now start to look for ways to help that person and work towards better behaviour (if it’s your child) or a better relationship (if the issue is with others or even yourself).
This benefits you and them, it’s a much nicer perspective. No one wants to be angry or fight with one another. No child enjoys tantrums, being rude or disrespectful. It’s not fun and we know this ourselves from when we feel this way.
So how can you change this situation?
Now it’s time to arm yourself with new information. Old information created this situation in the first place. New information will help you to make changes to this situation. Establish what you want to happen that is for the benefit of you and the other person, and then research how you can do this.
This may mean that you need to research disciplinary techniques, learn communication skills, organise an event that introduces some fun into your life, or even learn some time-management/organisational skills.
Find the information you need to implement change into your life, create a plan and then action it.
These are the steps to changing chaos in your house.
So here’s what you just did:
- You went into observation mode and you started to become aware of yours and others’ thoughts about the situation.
- By doing this you have now realised why the situation has occurred which brings you to an understanding and acceptance of the reality of this situation.
- From this place of acceptance of reality you now start to look at what you want to achieve – your aim
- You then research how you can reach your aim and discover what your choices are for getting there.
- After this research period you have now found a course of action. You know your plan, now you just need to put those action steps into play and start creating change in your life.
What you have done is just implemented my Mind TRACK to Happiness process that I use in my book The Happy Mum Handbook. The word TRACK is an acronym for thoughts, reality, aim, choices and know your plan.
These five steps will not only help you to make changes to your life, but it will help you to do it in a peaceful, understanding, compassionate and empathetic way.
The reality is that none of us like conflict in our life. None of us like to be angry or upset in our lives, yet we do it because somehow, at some level, we believe it will make the situation better, and in turn make us feel better.
This is true for EVERYONE.
When you can understand the situation from this perspective and make changes with this same perspective, you can become more solution focussed and productive about your struggles or chaotic life, instead of reactive about them.